#BeKind — One Year On — What Have We Learned?
This time last year we began to learn of the tragic circumstances leading up to the death of Caroline Flack. The hashtag ‘BeKind’ came into force, urging us to be nicer to one another and look below the surface of those we care about.
I’m wondering — have we learned from this?
In a year where being kind to ourselves, each other and our environment has been more important than ever, have we truly changed our approach and allowed tolerance of struggle and mental health difficulties?
Or, have we slotted back into the rat race, trying to keep our own heads above water, pushing idealistic sentiments to the side?
I am genuinely saddened to see mass scale online bullying and brandishing of celebs is still occurring.
Upon searching online for an interview with a female comic I admire, I came across ‘Tattle Life’ and was shocked to see a website designed entirely for users to provide derogatory feedback on public affairs (which I don’t think the victims remotely ask for?)
The innocent person I had searched was described as the following:
What an absolutely repulsive hypocrite. She comes across so badly. Who does this clown think she is?!
How pathetic is she coming across in her latest Insta story?! What is wrong with this woman?
What a dafty. She seems like a right piece of work. Ego out of control.
I think [her partner] could do a lot better.
Enough? This was written about a woman, by other women.
This site welcomes self professed ‘anti-fans’ who deem it necessary to voice their hostile views. I categorically disagree. Some public figures have spoken out about this bullying, one saying it nearly drove her to suicide.
Although formal stats are yet to be published, there is widespread agreement that suicide and suicidal thoughts have increased over the lockdown periods. It seems, to me, necessary and imperative that we continue the conversation around this subject.
My latest female journo-crush is Poorna Bell. I devoured her 2017 memoir ‘Chase the Rainbow’ — a candid and chronological unpacking of Bell’s relationship with her husband, who tragically took his own life in 2015.
Bell writes about believing that people, predominantly men, find it impossible to articulate how they are truly feeling.
“I realised that a big part of what had brought him to such a desperate situation, is that he had been playing a game of ‘I’m fine.’”
We hook into the surface level of social interaction which does not really give us permission to say how we really feel.
Ask yourself: am I able to tolerate and hold someone’s truth and real answer? Are my responses congruent and open?
We can discount another’s issues, as if to acknowledge them would make them too heavy to bear.
‘I know, I feel like that too’
‘Everyone has bad days’
‘I’m sure things will get better’
Guilty? I think we all are at times.
It does not make us a bad person, we have been socialised to transact in this way. Platitudes make the receiver feel better, not the discloser. We say ‘I’m sure tomorrow will be better’ because we so desperately want it to be.
Discounting is a way of unawarely ignoring information — saying something but essentially doing nothing in order to minimise the existence or significance of a problem.
There has been much mental health virtue signalling recently, contributing to our discounting. The #BeKind movement has been hijacked. The well intentioned slogan has become the poster child for mental health —where the main message was to be kind ‘because you might not know what someone is going through’.
It now appears as though the well-meaning message has been exploited by some to justify questionable actions (see ‘unnecessary travel disguised as essential work’), patronising those really struggling and watering down the serious intended undertone.
For me, really addressing and hearing mental health difficulties in a bid to prevent suicide extends further than a slogan. It begins with us, looking at ourselves, making sure we are open and permissive to those who may be struggling.
Firstly, what gives us the entitlement to pass comment and abuse on the way someone looks, talks, behaves, lives? We might not be aware of the consequences a tweet or a throwaway comment may have on someone, in either the public or private arena.
Secondly, ask like you mean it. We can also never assume we know how someone is feeling, no matter how smiley, attractive, successful they look on the outside.
It is always worth asking how someone is and tolerating the honest answer. Many of us shy away from asking others about feelings for fear of our own discomfort or not knowing what to say.
Trust me — you don’t need to say anything, just listen. That is truly ‘being kind’.
Happy Monday 🙂
